Breaking up

I recently broke it off with my boyfriend of almost two years.

To some this may sound like a “that’s not that long really”, but for me I have never had one last more then a month. So this was a huge step for me.

I want to tell you all, man or woman, if you aren’t happy don’t stay. Relationships most of the time lead some where like marriage or living together etc., before you make any long lasting commitment to someone make sure you are happy.

Even if they are the best person in the world, if you aren’t happy and things don’t seem to be working for either of you then leave. 

I don’t want to stay somewhere if I know I am not making that person as happy as they could be, and I wouldn’t want them to be with someone who isn’t as happy as they could be. 

I want everyone to find their true love, even if their true love is just being alone for a little while (or a long while), everyone deserves that.

I may find someone, I may not, the point is I’m not looking and for once in my life there isn’t a single relationship that I am putting before myself. 

I may love him forever, but I know what is best. 

Being heard

I have begun to realize, I am no spotlight friend. I am not a spotlight really anything.

I won’t get 100 “likes” on Facebook, my pictures, my blog posts, I won’t get voted for anything important. I’ll never be “important”.

Part of me hates this thought, the idea of not being liked as well as others. I want to be popular, but part of me realizes I’m not wealthy enough to be, I can’t afford the clothes or makeup to be popular, I’m not in a sorority, I don’t have connections.

I wish this was me but I’m having to accept that it’s not. 

I want to be beautiful, I want curves, I want smooth skin, I want to have money to go shopping with. 

At this point I know I can’t have any of this but every day I try. I try to make new friends, but I’m weird, I like odd things. I know if I get a good job I can have the things I want and everyday I’m going to try and make that happen.

I know I’m not popular.

I know I’m not cool. 

But I will make myself how I want to be, or try.

Update: Second semester at Auburn

Well my first semester (fall) went well, not as well as I would have hoped but I will try better this next semester. School starts on the 13th, I think I’ll be ready. I made a new friend named Victoria, she is great to talk to and be around. 

I’m about to be an aunt again, on the 14th. My oldest sister is having her third child. Another boy to add to the other two she has. I can’t wait to meet him and see him, he will be the youngest just like me. 

I spent winter break with my family. Cut down or Christmas tree, spent Christmas and New Years with them. My sister Annie just got approved for her house and she has been picking out furniture. We are all so happy about it especially her.

I got a cat. She was kept in a coop with chickens, they pecked at her and she was pregnant at the time. She ended up getting sores on the back of her feet because of the coop. A lady rescued her, allowed her to have her kittens, and found them homes. No one wanted the mother cat so the lady posted on Craigslist about it. I responded and picked her up. Cleaned her up. Have her a bath, got her fixed and up to date on shots. As of now the sores on her feet we had surgeries to remove. They wounds after got infected and are now finally beginning to heal, she has to be kept in a small space for most of the day to stay off her feet and to make sure they don’t get infected again. One is almost healed fully, the other foot is still large but healing thank goodness it’s been two months. Her name is Selina.

My depression got really bad over break and I thought I was honestly not going to make it. Pressures of family, upcoming school, friends, and my relationship became to much. I am doing better now, I started cooking more which really helps, I got new music for my phone and that helps a lot too. I’m hoping I stay positive and can keep going this way.

I always say I will post more but i am honestly going to try, this will hopefully be a good outlet for my thoughts, and happenings in my life.

Update: Second semester at Auburn

Well my first semester (fall) went well, not as well as I would have hoped but I will try better this next semester. School starts on the 13th, I think I’ll be ready. I made a new friend named Victoria, she is great to talk to and be around. 

I’m about to be an aunt again, on the 14th. My oldest sister is having her third child. Another boy to add to the other two she has. I can’t wait to meet him and see him, he will be the youngest just like me. 

I spent winter break with my family. Cut down or Christmas tree, spent Christmas and New Years with them. My sister Annie just got approved for her house and she has been picking out furniture. We are all so happy about it especially her.

I got a cat. She was kept in a coop with chickens, they pecked at her and she was pregnant at the time. She ended up getting sores on the back of her feet because of the coop. A lady rescued her, allowed her to have her kittens, and found them homes. No one wanted the mother cat so the lady posted on Craigslist about it. I responded and picked her up. Cleaned her up. Have her a bath, got her fixed and up to date on shots. As of now the sores on her feet we had surgeries to remove. They wounds after got infected and are now finally beginning to heal, she has to be kept in a small space for most of the day to stay off her feet and to make sure they don’t get infected again. One is almost healed fully, the other foot is still large but healing thank goodness it’s been two months. Her name is Selina.

My depression got really bad over break and I thought I was honestly not going to make it. Pressures of family, upcoming school, friends, and my relationship became to much. I am doing better now, I started cooking more which really helps, I got new music for my phone and that helps a lot too. I’m hoping I stay positive and can keep going this way.

I always say I will post more but i am honestly going to try, this will hopefully be a good outlet for my thoughts, and happenings in my life.

Happiness emerges 

Talking to people about what’s going on does help. That statement may feel like it can’t be true, but when you go through something like depression you can’t stay alone.  Depression wants you to stay alone, it wants you to think that you have no one, but you can’t give in. 

I have realized the people you want in your life are people, who when you go to them and tell them things that they do that may upset you, they don’t get angry. They apologize, or they work with you to understand what’s going on so you both get a better understanding of fixing any problems in your friendship/relationship. 

I want to start making a list of things throughout my day or week that make me happy, or have impacted my life in a good way. There are always bad things that happen to you or around you. You should always focus on the positive, which I have tried to do but even I find that hard to do. 

Happiness: 

1. Having a pet to take care of and hold is one of the best feelings in the world. I used to think Guinea pigs were scary and ugly, they had huge eyes and I honestly don’t know why but they just scared me. When AJ and I got Jin I knew when I saw him that I had to have him. He needed me, and I needed him. After a month or so, he has cute little habits. He nibbles and licks my fingers when I hold him, the way he eats a cucumber, how he runs or scurries while we are playing, so many things, but having him has made depression easier.

2. My family and I don’t always see eye to eye, but when I get the chance for a trip home there is nothing better than my dad and moms hugs. I love hearing things they have to tell me, about music the “old days”, movies, anything really. I like having sister who I can finally talk to about anything, we are constantly in communication and it’s great.

3. Music has always been a passion of mine, I’ve been listening recently to The Beach Boys Pet Sounds, I always heard that it was an amazing album but I never took the time to discover it. Now I have and it’s inspirational, as always The Beatles has been on my playlist, it can take you places and music has a way to change or improve your mood. 

4. AJ has been great, taking me camping, he always asks how my day is going and surprises me with sweet texts or phone calls. Seeing him on the weekends means waking up to him being there, not a text away.  He knows how to lift my spirits.

Keep your mind clear of sadness, make it your mission to be happy and to never let what someone else says to you ruin your life.

I’m not alright.

Those words everyone dreads to hear or say. “Oh no you poor dear, I’m sure you’ll be alright!” or “Well what is causing it”, these phrases are what I get as a response any time I try to open up. When people say “Ugh I am so depressed” or “That really depresses me”, it’s a joke a comment to add at the end of a sentence when something has exasperated you, since people are so used to hearing it in this way no one takes it seriously. As hard as it is to admit I’m not fine, I don’t think I really have been for a while. I have a problem, I am missing friends or even feeling like a friend. I have surrounded myself with people to talk to, to keep around, to try and keep close. When they do something I feel is wrong directed toward me, or even if it’s not. I keep my mouth closed and just remind myself that “you don’t have a lot of people you consider friends, you can’t afford to lose anyone”. Not to say that these people are bad, some are people who should be kept as acquaintances who you see occasionally, but not as your only friends or the only people you see. I have found that telling the truth or telling my feelings hasn’t been a great way of keeping friends and in the end I lose the people who I consider closest to me. I wake up every morning having to push myself to get out of bed, not because I’m tired, I just don’t want to get up. My only motivation is school. Through my life I have had a handful of people that have been close to me, that I could call crying or upset and they would know how to make me feel better with simple words and their attention. Now they’re all gone, some let me go, some distance is too much for them, or I just tell myself things haven’t changed (even if they have), or that I know they still care (even if deep down they don’t). I end up looking at myself wondering what could be wrong with me, is it all me? Should I have kept how I feel hidden? Then I think that if I didn’t say anything it would be worse. It is hard to say it and I wondered if I should even write about it at all, my only reason for making this posts is to honestly get it off my chest. I felt that if I didn’t say anything it would go away but it hasn’t yet. Depression isn’t easy, it isn’t a joke and I just want to tell anyone who needs to talk whether you want to be friends or not, having someone to talk to is important. This blog has been entitled Thoughts of a Happy Depression, because through this there can be and are happy times. I am not giving up, and I am not going to stop trying to make new friends. I’ll keep praying and waking up every morning, offering myself courage to get me going and keep me going through my day.

I can change

Recently I have had so much going on I haven’t tried to write, but I feel like with this weight on my shoulders I should tonight.

Depression is killing me, everyone around me is calling me immature or “whiny”, people who are family and like my family. One of my last good friends, the only friend I actually trusted with my life, called me immature and whiny for letting what family members were doing/saying to me effect me. Other are telling me to get over it and that I should apologize for them thinking these horrible things.

Why are they thinking this? I brought up for the first time to my parents that I wasn’t happy in my car.

On September 12th of last year my old 2001 Mercury Cougar had just gotten out of the shop costing the family almost $700 dollars, my dad told me to drive it home. Little did I know why, but when I pulled up that night I saw a dream or so it seemed. A new mustang (it was actually only a 2010, with 92,000 miles, but it was perfect for me) my dad and I have shared a love for mustangs (hence why he named me after Carroll Shelby) for the longest time and it has always been a dream of mine to own one. I cried sitting in it that night (I couldn’t drive it till the next day and we got insurance on it). I had spent my teenage life in a car that I had paid for, that wasn’t very reliable and I had a little over 200,000 miles on it.

I can say without a doubt when I drove that car there was no happier time or place I would rather be. I would wake up on restless nights just to sit in her, still not believing that she was mine. The seats were tan and when I would go home it was my favorite: the seats were so comfortable, the sound system was pitch perfect, the noises it would make when accelerating/decelerating, but my favorite part of driving it at all were the looks. People would see me, a girl in a muscle car (even if it was a V6). Whether that was the reason they looked it gave me a feeling of pride for once in my car and in myself. The one things I miss is when I would go to crank it in the morning feeling the engine come to life always made me smile.

In January I had a wreck, I was going 15 mph and I rear ended another girl. Her car was drive able but mine seemed not to be. My hood was dented a little, airbag had deployed, and the grill had come off. We thought they would let us repair it but the insurance company said it was totalled. When I went to get my stuff out of her I felt so bad leaving her there she was a piece of me. I looked for a month or so for another mustang but we couldn’t afford any. I looked just for cars in our price range, I told my dad about a 2013 Dodge Dart, he got it without telling me and when he surprised me I didn’t really say anything. I was quiet because I knew my search for another mustang was over, the hours I had spent the places I had visited trying to haggle. 

I didn’t do research on the car which I should have but it is know for having many problems. Now I’m just like every other person at school, a four door, fuel efficent, and 4-cylinder car. This is the first I have owned like this. It scrapes everything because it naturally sits so low to the ground, even a man appraising my car told me it wasn’t worth what was left on payments. It makes me so unhappy, I don’t like driving it. 

I’ve gotten people angry at me for stating that I didn’t like it. Basically my whole family, and close friends. I had everything I ever wanted and it was taken from me. 

People say I’ll be able to buy one again someday but I wont. Not while I’m young. I’ll be getting married after college and I’ll have to save up for that, a place to live, and I will probably have kids by then so two door mustang or van, wonder which one is more logical. 

I have never felt like dying more then now. Everyone tells me I’m immature and ungrateful. They say to get over it. But I can’t forget how I felt and that happiness it added to my life. I’m to chicken to end it, even with it feeling like everyone around me is abandoning me.

Harder

That is all it seems to be getting lately.

When I try to talk to my parents they get mad that I talk about anything unless it’s school related, even then they say that I need to stay focused and try harder. I haven’t even started the semester yet and I made all A’s lasts year.

My sisters judge me for the little things I do. If I say a bad word, like a post they don’t like, just random things. 

I have no friends who honestly care enough to check up or ask about how I’m doing even though they all know I get depression and when we do talk it’s about them or normal every day things because I don’t want to bring them down.

I feel like a horrible daughter since my dad is paying for me now, I have no job again, and even thought he says he has enough money he commented saying he thought he would have more money to restore his old cars when he retired, but because of me he can’t.

I miss my mustang and it gets worse every day and all anyone ever tells me is to stop being ungrateful and to be happy. I was happy until I lost the only car I ever wanted and I know it’s a material thing but it felt like everything was going right for once in my life and then the wreck happened. 

I get night mares when I sleep about having another wreck and it makes me scared to even get in a car. Even while I’m driving I can stay focused but images of a worse wreck keep flashing in my mind even when going slow. 

I have never felt like killing myself more then I do now.

Trust and Friends

I have a problem, I can’t trust anyone. 

My friends all make me feel as though I can’t trust them. One, when confronted, told me that just because someone they know (who supposedly they aren’t as close to as they are me) is mean to me, horrible to me, they would still consider them a good friend. I understand if it was someone they had known forever or another good friend, but for them to say they basically would still be friends with someone like that. I guess because I try to get rid of bad influences or horrible people in my life that I just couldn’t do that. If you hurt my friend, I’m sorry I don’t think we can be friends or even acquaintance with you if you hurt someone I love that deeply, if they were super close to me. If I was just friends with them then I’d be upset and tell you what you did was wrong.

I don’t know, I just want a friendship that I can trust them with my life. I want someone that if I am crying or upset  they would be there and know what to do. I want a friend who would defend me, if I’m wrong try to get me out of the situation I just don’t know.

It bothers me that so many people I thought were really close to me have come to be close with people who hate me, talk bad about me, spread lies about me, and always seem to hurt me. I feel like there is no trust. If I trust them I might end up getting disappointed like I have so many times, with so many other friends in the past.

When I moved one of my closest guy friends I thought I would stay close with ended up making me feel like he didn’t care. After a year I’ve gotten only a handful of text, if I come back home I have to make the plans I have to ask him, and he blows me off. Another friend I called crying while I was home and he said he didn’t want to see me, I don’t even know what I did, or what went wrong other then I moved. 

No one makes time for me, I feel so alone. I am just a “well I know she wanted to hang out I have like an hour I guess I’ll see her just to say I did”.

I am alone, and my depression makes it so much worse. I can feel myself just wanting to end my life. I feel like I’m in a hospital dying and the nurses keep telling me I’m fine.

I don’t know anymore. I’m so alone