Being Naturally Thin

I haven’t ever written a post about weight or its issues.

I have never opened up to a lot of the battles that go on even within me.

But today seemed like a good day to start.

I have been little (weight wise) all my life (that’s how these posts always start so why change now). My whole family is the same way. My mother and father were tall and not overweight as they grew up, when my mom had us girls we were just the same. None of us is overweight or has ever been, we are all over 5’8 (I am 5’10), two have had children, and my sisters are all over thirty.

My oldest sister and I are and always have been thinner than the middle two. She is the shortest of the sisters and I am the second tallest (but there is some debate about that). We have gone to doctors, been looked at and tested, and tried different things. My sister has had three boys in four years, she is mid-30’s and still only weighs 100 lbs.

This is just a backstory, to explain a past and present look at my family and our health.

I have never weighed over 110 my whole life, the one point a couple of years ago when I weighed my maximum I was working out every week at the recreation center on my old campus. Now my weight fluctuates between 95-105.

Middle school years I was embarrassed being so small. People made fun of my lack of curves and how tall but still skinny I was. When I left public school the year that followed I was homeschooled exclusively from home. I didn’t hang out with anyone, my only friends were those I had grown up with on my street.

As I was put into classes part time with a homeschool program the next year, I began to become more confident. I was “filling out” and people started to tell me how happy I should be with my weight. That while other people would struggle with weight I wouldn’t have to.

I believed them, for a while.

It’s odd when you tell yourself that there isn’t a problem, or that it isn’t a big deal. Then it hits you that maybe it is a problem?

I started caring about my weight in high school, I would brag about my weight (which I think at the time was 90) and get offended when someone would tell me about “this girl I know who is smaller then you!”. I wanted to be the smallest, I wanted to be special.

When it came to food I could eat and eat never gaining weight, I never counted calories, I never turned away from junk food.

It wasn’t that I was starving myself, it was just my outlook on my weight.

Anytime I saw my body taking on more weight, or weighing myself and finding that I had gained any weight, it would add to my depression adding a negative outlook on myself and my body.

My oldest sister came to me telling me she had found a way that is helping her gain weight. I was surprised that this idea scared me. I didn’t want to gain weight, I don’t want to lose any either, but I don’t want to gain any!

This outlook isn’t hurting me physically, but emotionally its degrading.

I am trying to not care as much, but everything is a work in progress.

Naturally Skinny Girls Are Self-Conscious Too.

Summertime Sadness

If there is one thing I have learned about depression it is never think you have it all understood.

I have spent years: dealing with it, hiding it, and being ashamed of it. I still don’t understand it most days. I still hope that it will go away and I can be normal.

This summer I was able to get an internship with an amazing company. The people I work with push me daily to give my all. I am learning so much about the business world and the side of it I am apart of.

With this job comes stress, but unlike school there is no one holding your hand to make sure that you do not make a mistake, and the mistakes you could encounter here effect not only you but the company as well.

My anxiety has made it difficult to enjoy a weekend, or time spent with those I care about.

I think about the future of work: what if I don’t get a job? What if I can’t attain my dreams? What if I’m not cut out for the jobs that my degree with get me?

I think about the future of relationships: What if I lose the friends I have made because I become too busy? What if I don’t marry then man I love? What if my family becomes just an acquaintance to me?

I think about a lot of things that I should not be focusing on right now. I get set off on spirals of depression by the simplest things.

It seems to be getting worse lately. I don’t think I have ever been so depressed that not being around becomes an option. I start thinking about how people would feel if I was gone.

Feeling alone has become the normal I hate to say, I fight every day to stay positive. To keep my mind focused on the good things and possibilities of good things.

I get scared to reach out and talk to people because PEOPLE don’t understand. Most of the times I don’t understand. I am afraid to be called overdramatic, and I am afraid to be labeled “that girl” who uses illness as a crutch or for attention.

Seeing a counselor has helped me understand things about myself I never knew. Talking with someone who hears what I am saying and tries to help me understand myself better.

This is simply an update, although things are hard and look bleak to me, I keep fighting…EVERYDAY.

In the Right Direction

My life is heading in the right direction for once. I’m not saying there are not problems or concerns but I thought I would give you all an update.

For school I am keeping up very well with my classes and making better grades then I ever have. 

For work I decided to try and get an internship in Alabama for this Summer. I have applied to several places and gotten an email from one of my top choices about going further in the process.

With friends I have mended a lot of bridges with past friends who I have hurt. I have tried to keep connected with those I consider friends, finding time for them or just catching up. I have come to fine that these people mean a lot to me and help me stay sane through all my stress.

Dating. I have been dating, the man I’ve been wanting to be with for almost six years, for a little over a month now. I can see the change he has made to be with me, I can see how hard he tries for us, and I have come to appreciate the small things and rely less on being bought things, becoming more focused on making sure we are both taken care of mentally and emotionally. 

For my mental health I am working on. There are still days when I feel my life is nothing, where I don’t want to be alive anymore. Trying to stay in contact with my friends has helped my mental state a lot. I want to start focusing more on my faith because I know that with God I feel at peace knowing I am loved, important, and special in his grace.

Each day gets better and I find new ways to keep myself from drowning in the sorrows of my past or present, or the unknown of the future. I just hope I don’t fall off the path I’m on now, I pray that I find guidance and can become earnestly happy. 

The Choices About Future Life

This is my last year at Auburn University, I plan to graduate in the Fall of this year, and currently looking for an internship for this Summer.

My dream is to work in New York City for a couple of years, in that case I felt it was good to look for internships there for Summer. My logic comes from being told more companies hire for internship than actual jobs, plus getting an internship in a company would lead to an easier way to come back and work for that same company. I have been talking and put into communication with several people who are in that area, and also know my major.

Problem Number One: I have been trying to get a foothold some where, meaning that I haven’t got an offer for “yes we’d love to have you intern here” or “apply with us and we will let you know” most of my contact has been back and forth with no set plans, just finding out what I want to do, where I would be comfortable, and so forth. I realize this is how I get the internship but Summer is getting closer, I also have to register the internship before then as well.

Problem Number Two: If I get the internship in New York I will need to have money to pay for food and a place to stay, which as we all know is expensive there. So I have to look for a job for my Spring semester that has just recently started. The classes I am taking are harder than I have taken before (duh it my final year), and I don’t know if I can make the good grades that I need and also have a job at the same time.

Problem Number Three: If I focus too much on getting an internship in New York and then I don’t get one then I missed out on all of the internships I could have gotten near home or even just other offers.

Problem Number Four: If I don’t get an internship in New York then I feel my dream of working there won’t come true, that I’ll end up stationary living miles from where I was raised and never making my dreams come true. Also, it would be harder for me to just try to find a job there without having the internship there first.

All the stress from this major life decision, and from school is starting to show. I just have to keep my head up and power through hoping for the best.

Why I Feel Happy Single

I am single and I am happy. Those I have recently dated are amazing men. I have learned several things from them, like knowing how I should be treated in a relationship and how I should (or should not) treat those who I am with.

But the main thing they taught me is that I am happiest single.

For years I have felt pressured by the media and friends that in order to be happy you HAVE to find that special someone, you need to date to be happy. I was pushing myself to find a great guy and say he was THE ONE, so I could feel happy.

I was staying with people, saying I felt something I didn’t and moving as fast as I could to get to that point where I was in what people could consider “long-term relationship status”.

I started realizing it was all for show. I wasn’t feeling the love I should have been. I told my self “love comes softly” (yes cheesy line from that movie). When in reality I wasn’t ready to settle down, to have another person in my life as a partner.

We are told that we need to find love (romantic love, not just friendship) in our lives. People will do anything for the mere thought that what they feel could be love. I haven’t found that yet. One time I thought I had, I let myself be used and hurt for years because I “thought this must be love”.

Why I am happiest single

I want to focus on MY future, MY dreams and goals. I don’t want  to worry about hurting or disappointing people when I don’t feel the same. I like seeing someone and thinking “oh he is cute” without hating myself for not being content. I like not having to explain that my guy friends are JUST guy friends. I learn to love myself, in and out. I can discover my passions without being shaped by those who already have theirs. I can map out time for my studies and not feel like I have to make separate time to focus on my partner.

My future may involve  meeting a great man (or realizing he is already in my life) and settling down or having adventures with him. But for me, for now, I am happiest single.

 

 

New Life

Updates on life:
School was difficult to begin with, I had to drop one of my five classes. Now it seems like I can keep up with things better, I’m enjoying all of my classes and met a couple of new good friends as well!
Family life is not as good as I would like. I feel like I disappoint my mom a lot and my dad is still paying for me. I sent an application to work on campus but for stupid reasons my email was not sent to the right person and got sent back to me. I am going to try on this spring break to spend more time with family and try to help out as much as I can.
Friends are going alright, I feel like I keep losing and gaining friends. My good friend Daniel doesn’t like a person I am talking to so he said he needed space. Mary seems to be finding people that are closer to her that she likes better than me. Maybe I’m the problem.
Love life is difficult. I found someone who I have a bad past with but he wanted another chance. So far we have had a few times where I get scared to get close but honestly it’s been better then I could have imagined. It makes me happy but all my friends are wary of him maybe I am too a little but I don’t want to give up when he makes me feel so amazing just being around him.
Emotionally I am decent. I got switched to another medicine for my ADD\ADHD and my depression isn’t as bad I don’t feel sleepy all the time. I still end up feeling depressed throughout the week, but I am trying to preoccupy myself doing whatever I can to be happy.

Living

Days. They’re easy. I can be around people, my mind can be stopped by school, games, friends, or whatever I chose to do to occupy my time.

Nights. That’s when things get harder. When my mind is alone with thoughts, my demons know my weakness, its silence.

I’m trying harder every day, I keep finding my self happy to the thought of living my life alone. Being able to travel and not have to worry about anyone but my self. Seeing those I care about whenever I want, dating whoever I please. I remind myself daily of a Pride and Prejudice quote: “I am determined that only the deepest love will induce me into matrimony. So, I shall end an old maid..”.

I fall back into old patterns, falling for people I know I shouldn’t. Really only one person, the one person who got away, the one who I can never and have never called my own. Maybe that’s why the fascination is still there, the need to believe that this time will be different, that I should go for it, but then my mind tells me the truth that is only depression.

Letting go is hard, but living everyday thinking it is over just for them to walk right back into your life, right back to where it left off. I wish I could make my self emotionally cover up these feelings, just like I cover up all the others.

Breaking up

I recently broke it off with my boyfriend of almost two years.

To some this may sound like a “that’s not that long really”, but for me I have never had one last more then a month. So this was a huge step for me.

I want to tell you all, man or woman, if you aren’t happy don’t stay. Relationships most of the time lead some where like marriage or living together etc., before you make any long lasting commitment to someone make sure you are happy.

Even if they are the best person in the world, if you aren’t happy and things don’t seem to be working for either of you then leave. 

I don’t want to stay somewhere if I know I am not making that person as happy as they could be, and I wouldn’t want them to be with someone who isn’t as happy as they could be. 

I want everyone to find their true love, even if their true love is just being alone for a little while (or a long while), everyone deserves that.

I may find someone, I may not, the point is I’m not looking and for once in my life there isn’t a single relationship that I am putting before myself. 

I may love him forever, but I know what is best. 

Being heard

I have begun to realize, I am no spotlight friend. I am not a spotlight really anything.

I won’t get 100 “likes” on Facebook, my pictures, my blog posts, I won’t get voted for anything important. I’ll never be “important”.

Part of me hates this thought, the idea of not being liked as well as others. I want to be popular, but part of me realizes I’m not wealthy enough to be, I can’t afford the clothes or makeup to be popular, I’m not in a sorority, I don’t have connections.

I wish this was me but I’m having to accept that it’s not. 

I want to be beautiful, I want curves, I want smooth skin, I want to have money to go shopping with. 

At this point I know I can’t have any of this but every day I try. I try to make new friends, but I’m weird, I like odd things. I know if I get a good job I can have the things I want and everyday I’m going to try and make that happen.

I know I’m not popular.

I know I’m not cool. 

But I will make myself how I want to be, or try.