I haven’t ever written a post about weight or its issues.
I have never opened up to a lot of the battles that go on even within me.
But today seemed like a good day to start.
I have been little (weight wise) all my life (that’s how these posts always start so why change now). My whole family is the same way. My mother and father were tall and not overweight as they grew up, when my mom had us girls we were just the same. None of us is overweight or has ever been, we are all over 5’8 (I am 5’10), two have had children, and my sisters are all over thirty.
My oldest sister and I are and always have been thinner than the middle two. She is the shortest of the sisters and I am the second tallest (but there is some debate about that). We have gone to doctors, been looked at and tested, and tried different things. My sister has had three boys in four years, she is mid-30’s and still only weighs 100 lbs.
This is just a backstory, to explain a past and present look at my family and our health.
I have never weighed over 110 my whole life, the one point a couple of years ago when I weighed my maximum I was working out every week at the recreation center on my old campus. Now my weight fluctuates between 95-105.
Middle school years I was embarrassed being so small. People made fun of my lack of curves and how tall but still skinny I was. When I left public school the year that followed I was homeschooled exclusively from home. I didn’t hang out with anyone, my only friends were those I had grown up with on my street.
As I was put into classes part time with a homeschool program the next year, I began to become more confident. I was “filling out” and people started to tell me how happy I should be with my weight. That while other people would struggle with weight I wouldn’t have to.
I believed them, for a while.
It’s odd when you tell yourself that there isn’t a problem, or that it isn’t a big deal. Then it hits you that maybe it is a problem?
I started caring about my weight in high school, I would brag about my weight (which I think at the time was 90) and get offended when someone would tell me about “this girl I know who is smaller then you!”. I wanted to be the smallest, I wanted to be special.
When it came to food I could eat and eat never gaining weight, I never counted calories, I never turned away from junk food.
It wasn’t that I was starving myself, it was just my outlook on my weight.
Anytime I saw my body taking on more weight, or weighing myself and finding that I had gained any weight, it would add to my depression adding a negative outlook on myself and my body.
My oldest sister came to me telling me she had found a way that is helping her gain weight. I was surprised that this idea scared me. I didn’t want to gain weight, I don’t want to lose any either, but I don’t want to gain any!
This outlook isn’t hurting me physically, but emotionally its degrading.
I am trying to not care as much, but everything is a work in progress.
Naturally Skinny Girls Are Self-Conscious Too.