Summertime Sadness

If there is one thing I have learned about depression it is never think you have it all understood.

I have spent years: dealing with it, hiding it, and being ashamed of it. I still don’t understand it most days. I still hope that it will go away and I can be normal.

This summer I was able to get an internship with an amazing company. The people I work with push me daily to give my all. I am learning so much about the business world and the side of it I am apart of.

With this job comes stress, but unlike school there is no one holding your hand to make sure that you do not make a mistake, and the mistakes you could encounter here effect not only you but the company as well.

My anxiety has made it difficult to enjoy a weekend, or time spent with those I care about.

I think about the future of work: what if I don’t get a job? What if I can’t attain my dreams? What if I’m not cut out for the jobs that my degree with get me?

I think about the future of relationships: What if I lose the friends I have made because I become too busy? What if I don’t marry then man I love? What if my family becomes just an acquaintance to me?

I think about a lot of things that I should not be focusing on right now. I get set off on spirals of depression by the simplest things.

It seems to be getting worse lately. I don’t think I have ever been so depressed that not being around becomes an option. I start thinking about how people would feel if I was gone.

Feeling alone has become the normal I hate to say, I fight every day to stay positive. To keep my mind focused on the good things and possibilities of good things.

I get scared to reach out and talk to people because PEOPLE don’t understand. Most of the times I don’t understand. I am afraid to be called overdramatic, and I am afraid to be labeled “that girl” who uses illness as a crutch or for attention.

Seeing a counselor has helped me understand things about myself I never knew. Talking with someone who hears what I am saying and tries to help me understand myself better.

This is simply an update, although things are hard and look bleak to me, I keep fighting…EVERYDAY.

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