Being Naturally Thin

I haven’t ever written a post about weight or its issues.

I have never opened up to a lot of the battles that go on even within me.

But today seemed like a good day to start.

I have been little (weight wise) all my life (that’s how these posts always start so why change now). My whole family is the same way. My mother and father were tall and not overweight as they grew up, when my mom had us girls we were just the same. None of us is overweight or has ever been, we are all over 5’8 (I am 5’10), two have had children, and my sisters are all over thirty.

My oldest sister and I are and always have been thinner than the middle two. She is the shortest of the sisters and I am the second tallest (but there is some debate about that). We have gone to doctors, been looked at and tested, and tried different things. My sister has had three boys in four years, she is mid-30’s and still only weighs 100 lbs.

This is just a backstory, to explain a past and present look at my family and our health.

I have never weighed over 110 my whole life, the one point a couple of years ago when I weighed my maximum I was working out every week at the recreation center on my old campus. Now my weight fluctuates between 95-105.

Middle school years I was embarrassed being so small. People made fun of my lack of curves and how tall but still skinny I was. When I left public school the year that followed I was homeschooled exclusively from home. I didn’t hang out with anyone, my only friends were those I had grown up with on my street.

As I was put into classes part time with a homeschool program the next year, I began to become more confident. I was “filling out” and people started to tell me how happy I should be with my weight. That while other people would struggle with weight I wouldn’t have to.

I believed them, for a while.

It’s odd when you tell yourself that there isn’t a problem, or that it isn’t a big deal. Then it hits you that maybe it is a problem?

I started caring about my weight in high school, I would brag about my weight (which I think at the time was 90) and get offended when someone would tell me about “this girl I know who is smaller then you!”. I wanted to be the smallest, I wanted to be special.

When it came to food I could eat and eat never gaining weight, I never counted calories, I never turned away from junk food.

It wasn’t that I was starving myself, it was just my outlook on my weight.

Anytime I saw my body taking on more weight, or weighing myself and finding that I had gained any weight, it would add to my depression adding a negative outlook on myself and my body.

My oldest sister came to me telling me she had found a way that is helping her gain weight. I was surprised that this idea scared me. I didn’t want to gain weight, I don’t want to lose any either, but I don’t want to gain any!

This outlook isn’t hurting me physically, but emotionally its degrading.

I am trying to not care as much, but everything is a work in progress.

Naturally Skinny Girls Are Self-Conscious Too.

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Summertime Sadness

If there is one thing I have learned about depression it is never think you have it all understood.

I have spent years: dealing with it, hiding it, and being ashamed of it. I still don’t understand it most days. I still hope that it will go away and I can be normal.

This summer I was able to get an internship with an amazing company. The people I work with push me daily to give my all. I am learning so much about the business world and the side of it I am apart of.

With this job comes stress, but unlike school there is no one holding your hand to make sure that you do not make a mistake, and the mistakes you could encounter here effect not only you but the company as well.

My anxiety has made it difficult to enjoy a weekend, or time spent with those I care about.

I think about the future of work: what if I don’t get a job? What if I can’t attain my dreams? What if I’m not cut out for the jobs that my degree with get me?

I think about the future of relationships: What if I lose the friends I have made because I become too busy? What if I don’t marry then man I love? What if my family becomes just an acquaintance to me?

I think about a lot of things that I should not be focusing on right now. I get set off on spirals of depression by the simplest things.

It seems to be getting worse lately. I don’t think I have ever been so depressed that not being around becomes an option. I start thinking about how people would feel if I was gone.

Feeling alone has become the normal I hate to say, I fight every day to stay positive. To keep my mind focused on the good things and possibilities of good things.

I get scared to reach out and talk to people because PEOPLE don’t understand. Most of the times I don’t understand. I am afraid to be called overdramatic, and I am afraid to be labeled “that girl” who uses illness as a crutch or for attention.

Seeing a counselor has helped me understand things about myself I never knew. Talking with someone who hears what I am saying and tries to help me understand myself better.

This is simply an update, although things are hard and look bleak to me, I keep fighting…EVERYDAY.