Living

Days. They’re easy. I can be around people, my mind can be stopped by school, games, friends, or whatever I chose to do to occupy my time.

Nights. That’s when things get harder. When my mind is alone with thoughts, my demons know my weakness, its silence.

I’m trying harder every day, I keep finding my self happy to the thought of living my life alone. Being able to travel and not have to worry about anyone but my self. Seeing those I care about whenever I want, dating whoever I please. I remind myself daily of a Pride and Prejudice quote: “I am determined that only the deepest love will induce me into matrimony. So, I shall end an old maid..”.

I fall back into old patterns, falling for people I know I shouldn’t. Really only one person, the one person who got away, the one who I can never and have never called my own. Maybe that’s why the fascination is still there, the need to believe that this time will be different, that I should go for it, but then my mind tells me the truth that is only depression.

Letting go is hard, but living everyday thinking it is over just for them to walk right back into your life, right back to where it left off. I wish I could make my self emotionally cover up these feelings, just like I cover up all the others.

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