Living

Days. They’re easy. I can be around people, my mind can be stopped by school, games, friends, or whatever I chose to do to occupy my time.

Nights. That’s when things get harder. When my mind is alone with thoughts, my demons know my weakness, its silence.

I’m trying harder every day, I keep finding my self happy to the thought of living my life alone. Being able to travel and not have to worry about anyone but my self. Seeing those I care about whenever I want, dating whoever I please. I remind myself daily of a Pride and Prejudice quote: “I am determined that only the deepest love will induce me into matrimony. So, I shall end an old maid..”.

I fall back into old patterns, falling for people I know I shouldn’t. Really only one person, the one person who got away, the one who I can never and have never called my own. Maybe that’s why the fascination is still there, the need to believe that this time will be different, that I should go for it, but then my mind tells me the truth that is only depression.

Letting go is hard, but living everyday thinking it is over just for them to walk right back into your life, right back to where it left off. I wish I could make my self emotionally cover up these feelings, just like I cover up all the others.

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Breaking up

I recently broke it off with my boyfriend of almost two years.

To some this may sound like a “that’s not that long really”, but for me I have never had one last more then a month. So this was a huge step for me.

I want to tell you all, man or woman, if you aren’t happy don’t stay. Relationships most of the time lead some where like marriage or living together etc., before you make any long lasting commitment to someone make sure you are happy.

Even if they are the best person in the world, if you aren’t happy and things don’t seem to be working for either of you then leave. 

I don’t want to stay somewhere if I know I am not making that person as happy as they could be, and I wouldn’t want them to be with someone who isn’t as happy as they could be. 

I want everyone to find their true love, even if their true love is just being alone for a little while (or a long while), everyone deserves that.

I may find someone, I may not, the point is I’m not looking and for once in my life there isn’t a single relationship that I am putting before myself. 

I may love him forever, but I know what is best. 

Being heard

I have begun to realize, I am no spotlight friend. I am not a spotlight really anything.

I won’t get 100 “likes” on Facebook, my pictures, my blog posts, I won’t get voted for anything important. I’ll never be “important”.

Part of me hates this thought, the idea of not being liked as well as others. I want to be popular, but part of me realizes I’m not wealthy enough to be, I can’t afford the clothes or makeup to be popular, I’m not in a sorority, I don’t have connections.

I wish this was me but I’m having to accept that it’s not. 

I want to be beautiful, I want curves, I want smooth skin, I want to have money to go shopping with. 

At this point I know I can’t have any of this but every day I try. I try to make new friends, but I’m weird, I like odd things. I know if I get a good job I can have the things I want and everyday I’m going to try and make that happen.

I know I’m not popular.

I know I’m not cool. 

But I will make myself how I want to be, or try.

Update: Second semester at Auburn

Well my first semester (fall) went well, not as well as I would have hoped but I will try better this next semester. School starts on the 13th, I think I’ll be ready. I made a new friend named Victoria, she is great to talk to and be around. 

I’m about to be an aunt again, on the 14th. My oldest sister is having her third child. Another boy to add to the other two she has. I can’t wait to meet him and see him, he will be the youngest just like me. 

I spent winter break with my family. Cut down or Christmas tree, spent Christmas and New Years with them. My sister Annie just got approved for her house and she has been picking out furniture. We are all so happy about it especially her.

I got a cat. She was kept in a coop with chickens, they pecked at her and she was pregnant at the time. She ended up getting sores on the back of her feet because of the coop. A lady rescued her, allowed her to have her kittens, and found them homes. No one wanted the mother cat so the lady posted on Craigslist about it. I responded and picked her up. Cleaned her up. Have her a bath, got her fixed and up to date on shots. As of now the sores on her feet we had surgeries to remove. They wounds after got infected and are now finally beginning to heal, she has to be kept in a small space for most of the day to stay off her feet and to make sure they don’t get infected again. One is almost healed fully, the other foot is still large but healing thank goodness it’s been two months. Her name is Selina.

My depression got really bad over break and I thought I was honestly not going to make it. Pressures of family, upcoming school, friends, and my relationship became to much. I am doing better now, I started cooking more which really helps, I got new music for my phone and that helps a lot too. I’m hoping I stay positive and can keep going this way.

I always say I will post more but i am honestly going to try, this will hopefully be a good outlet for my thoughts, and happenings in my life.

Update: Second semester at Auburn

Well my first semester (fall) went well, not as well as I would have hoped but I will try better this next semester. School starts on the 13th, I think I’ll be ready. I made a new friend named Victoria, she is great to talk to and be around. 

I’m about to be an aunt again, on the 14th. My oldest sister is having her third child. Another boy to add to the other two she has. I can’t wait to meet him and see him, he will be the youngest just like me. 

I spent winter break with my family. Cut down or Christmas tree, spent Christmas and New Years with them. My sister Annie just got approved for her house and she has been picking out furniture. We are all so happy about it especially her.

I got a cat. She was kept in a coop with chickens, they pecked at her and she was pregnant at the time. She ended up getting sores on the back of her feet because of the coop. A lady rescued her, allowed her to have her kittens, and found them homes. No one wanted the mother cat so the lady posted on Craigslist about it. I responded and picked her up. Cleaned her up. Have her a bath, got her fixed and up to date on shots. As of now the sores on her feet we had surgeries to remove. They wounds after got infected and are now finally beginning to heal, she has to be kept in a small space for most of the day to stay off her feet and to make sure they don’t get infected again. One is almost healed fully, the other foot is still large but healing thank goodness it’s been two months. Her name is Selina.

My depression got really bad over break and I thought I was honestly not going to make it. Pressures of family, upcoming school, friends, and my relationship became to much. I am doing better now, I started cooking more which really helps, I got new music for my phone and that helps a lot too. I’m hoping I stay positive and can keep going this way.

I always say I will post more but i am honestly going to try, this will hopefully be a good outlet for my thoughts, and happenings in my life.