I’m not alright.

Those words everyone dreads to hear or say. “Oh no you poor dear, I’m sure you’ll be alright!” or “Well what is causing it”, these phrases are what I get as a response any time I try to open up. When people say “Ugh I am so depressed” or “That really depresses me”, it’s a joke a comment to add at the end of a sentence when something has exasperated you, since people are so used to hearing it in this way no one takes it seriously. As hard as it is to admit I’m not fine, I don’t think I really have been for a while. I have a problem, I am missing friends or even feeling like a friend. I have surrounded myself with people to talk to, to keep around, to try and keep close. When they do something I feel is wrong directed toward me, or even if it’s not. I keep my mouth closed and just remind myself that “you don’t have a lot of people you consider friends, you can’t afford to lose anyone”. Not to say that these people are bad, some are people who should be kept as acquaintances who you see occasionally, but not as your only friends or the only people you see. I have found that telling the truth or telling my feelings hasn’t been a great way of keeping friends and in the end I lose the people who I consider closest to me. I wake up every morning having to push myself to get out of bed, not because I’m tired, I just don’t want to get up. My only motivation is school. Through my life I have had a handful of people that have been close to me, that I could call crying or upset and they would know how to make me feel better with simple words and their attention. Now they’re all gone, some let me go, some distance is too much for them, or I just tell myself things haven’t changed (even if they have), or that I know they still care (even if deep down they don’t). I end up looking at myself wondering what could be wrong with me, is it all me? Should I have kept how I feel hidden? Then I think that if I didn’t say anything it would be worse. It is hard to say it and I wondered if I should even write about it at all, my only reason for making this posts is to honestly get it off my chest. I felt that if I didn’t say anything it would go away but it hasn’t yet. Depression isn’t easy, it isn’t a joke and I just want to tell anyone who needs to talk whether you want to be friends or not, having someone to talk to is important. This blog has been entitled Thoughts of a Happy Depression, because through this there can be and are happy times. I am not giving up, and I am not going to stop trying to make new friends. I’ll keep praying and waking up every morning, offering myself courage to get me going and keep me going through my day.

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One thought on “I’m not alright.

  1. I truly understand how you feel. Especially where you said:

    “I have a problem, I am missing friends or even feeling like a friend. I have surrounded myself with people to talk to, to keep around, to try and keep close. When they do something I feel is wrong directed toward me, or even if it’s not. I keep my mouth closed and just remind myself that “you don’t have a lot of people you consider friends, you can’t afford to lose anyone”

    I agree so much.

    I wish you all the best. In Afrikaans we say “sterkte”, which just means “strongs”. Like good luck, but more in the sense that I hope you’ll be strong.

    Sterkte.

    Jacques.

    Liked by 1 person

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