Happiness emerges 

Talking to people about what’s going on does help. That statement may feel like it can’t be true, but when you go through something like depression you can’t stay alone.  Depression wants you to stay alone, it wants you to think that you have no one, but you can’t give in. 

I have realized the people you want in your life are people, who when you go to them and tell them things that they do that may upset you, they don’t get angry. They apologize, or they work with you to understand what’s going on so you both get a better understanding of fixing any problems in your friendship/relationship. 

I want to start making a list of things throughout my day or week that make me happy, or have impacted my life in a good way. There are always bad things that happen to you or around you. You should always focus on the positive, which I have tried to do but even I find that hard to do. 

Happiness: 

1. Having a pet to take care of and hold is one of the best feelings in the world. I used to think Guinea pigs were scary and ugly, they had huge eyes and I honestly don’t know why but they just scared me. When AJ and I got Jin I knew when I saw him that I had to have him. He needed me, and I needed him. After a month or so, he has cute little habits. He nibbles and licks my fingers when I hold him, the way he eats a cucumber, how he runs or scurries while we are playing, so many things, but having him has made depression easier.

2. My family and I don’t always see eye to eye, but when I get the chance for a trip home there is nothing better than my dad and moms hugs. I love hearing things they have to tell me, about music the “old days”, movies, anything really. I like having sister who I can finally talk to about anything, we are constantly in communication and it’s great.

3. Music has always been a passion of mine, I’ve been listening recently to The Beach Boys Pet Sounds, I always heard that it was an amazing album but I never took the time to discover it. Now I have and it’s inspirational, as always The Beatles has been on my playlist, it can take you places and music has a way to change or improve your mood. 

4. AJ has been great, taking me camping, he always asks how my day is going and surprises me with sweet texts or phone calls. Seeing him on the weekends means waking up to him being there, not a text away.  He knows how to lift my spirits.

Keep your mind clear of sadness, make it your mission to be happy and to never let what someone else says to you ruin your life.

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I’m not alright.

Those words everyone dreads to hear or say. “Oh no you poor dear, I’m sure you’ll be alright!” or “Well what is causing it”, these phrases are what I get as a response any time I try to open up. When people say “Ugh I am so depressed” or “That really depresses me”, it’s a joke a comment to add at the end of a sentence when something has exasperated you, since people are so used to hearing it in this way no one takes it seriously. As hard as it is to admit I’m not fine, I don’t think I really have been for a while. I have a problem, I am missing friends or even feeling like a friend. I have surrounded myself with people to talk to, to keep around, to try and keep close. When they do something I feel is wrong directed toward me, or even if it’s not. I keep my mouth closed and just remind myself that “you don’t have a lot of people you consider friends, you can’t afford to lose anyone”. Not to say that these people are bad, some are people who should be kept as acquaintances who you see occasionally, but not as your only friends or the only people you see. I have found that telling the truth or telling my feelings hasn’t been a great way of keeping friends and in the end I lose the people who I consider closest to me. I wake up every morning having to push myself to get out of bed, not because I’m tired, I just don’t want to get up. My only motivation is school. Through my life I have had a handful of people that have been close to me, that I could call crying or upset and they would know how to make me feel better with simple words and their attention. Now they’re all gone, some let me go, some distance is too much for them, or I just tell myself things haven’t changed (even if they have), or that I know they still care (even if deep down they don’t). I end up looking at myself wondering what could be wrong with me, is it all me? Should I have kept how I feel hidden? Then I think that if I didn’t say anything it would be worse. It is hard to say it and I wondered if I should even write about it at all, my only reason for making this posts is to honestly get it off my chest. I felt that if I didn’t say anything it would go away but it hasn’t yet. Depression isn’t easy, it isn’t a joke and I just want to tell anyone who needs to talk whether you want to be friends or not, having someone to talk to is important. This blog has been entitled Thoughts of a Happy Depression, because through this there can be and are happy times. I am not giving up, and I am not going to stop trying to make new friends. I’ll keep praying and waking up every morning, offering myself courage to get me going and keep me going through my day.