Trust and Friends

I have a problem, I can’t trust anyone. 

My friends all make me feel as though I can’t trust them. One, when confronted, told me that just because someone they know (who supposedly they aren’t as close to as they are me) is mean to me, horrible to me, they would still consider them a good friend. I understand if it was someone they had known forever or another good friend, but for them to say they basically would still be friends with someone like that. I guess because I try to get rid of bad influences or horrible people in my life that I just couldn’t do that. If you hurt my friend, I’m sorry I don’t think we can be friends or even acquaintance with you if you hurt someone I love that deeply, if they were super close to me. If I was just friends with them then I’d be upset and tell you what you did was wrong.

I don’t know, I just want a friendship that I can trust them with my life. I want someone that if I am crying or upset  they would be there and know what to do. I want a friend who would defend me, if I’m wrong try to get me out of the situation I just don’t know.

It bothers me that so many people I thought were really close to me have come to be close with people who hate me, talk bad about me, spread lies about me, and always seem to hurt me. I feel like there is no trust. If I trust them I might end up getting disappointed like I have so many times, with so many other friends in the past.

When I moved one of my closest guy friends I thought I would stay close with ended up making me feel like he didn’t care. After a year I’ve gotten only a handful of text, if I come back home I have to make the plans I have to ask him, and he blows me off. Another friend I called crying while I was home and he said he didn’t want to see me, I don’t even know what I did, or what went wrong other then I moved. 

No one makes time for me, I feel so alone. I am just a “well I know she wanted to hang out I have like an hour I guess I’ll see her just to say I did”.

I am alone, and my depression makes it so much worse. I can feel myself just wanting to end my life. I feel like I’m in a hospital dying and the nurses keep telling me I’m fine.

I don’t know anymore. I’m so alone


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