Trust and Friends

I have a problem, I can’t trust anyone. 

My friends all make me feel as though I can’t trust them. One, when confronted, told me that just because someone they know (who supposedly they aren’t as close to as they are me) is mean to me, horrible to me, they would still consider them a good friend. I understand if it was someone they had known forever or another good friend, but for them to say they basically would still be friends with someone like that. I guess because I try to get rid of bad influences or horrible people in my life that I just couldn’t do that. If you hurt my friend, I’m sorry I don’t think we can be friends or even acquaintance with you if you hurt someone I love that deeply, if they were super close to me. If I was just friends with them then I’d be upset and tell you what you did was wrong.

I don’t know, I just want a friendship that I can trust them with my life. I want someone that if I am crying or upset  they would be there and know what to do. I want a friend who would defend me, if I’m wrong try to get me out of the situation I just don’t know.

It bothers me that so many people I thought were really close to me have come to be close with people who hate me, talk bad about me, spread lies about me, and always seem to hurt me. I feel like there is no trust. If I trust them I might end up getting disappointed like I have so many times, with so many other friends in the past.

When I moved one of my closest guy friends I thought I would stay close with ended up making me feel like he didn’t care. After a year I’ve gotten only a handful of text, if I come back home I have to make the plans I have to ask him, and he blows me off. Another friend I called crying while I was home and he said he didn’t want to see me, I don’t even know what I did, or what went wrong other then I moved. 

No one makes time for me, I feel so alone. I am just a “well I know she wanted to hang out I have like an hour I guess I’ll see her just to say I did”.

I am alone, and my depression makes it so much worse. I can feel myself just wanting to end my life. I feel like I’m in a hospital dying and the nurses keep telling me I’m fine.

I don’t know anymore. I’m so alone


Thoughts for the Night/Update

I haven’t uploaded anything in a while, so much has happened recently but I’ll try to do a quick update for everyone.

I wrecked my car, after four months. We didn’t have enough money to get another mustang so although heartbroken I got  a Dodge Dart, it is great on gas mileage and very comfortable. I made it into Auburn and in less then a month I’ll be starting  my summer term. I had a job and lost it due to I was sick a whole month back to back and I didn’t have a doctors excuse. Everything with family is good, and all in all I am trying to be at peace with so many things that go through my mind.

The reason I chose to come back is a friend of mine posted on her blog and I realized it had been to long since I had.

There is so much I want to say but I feel I will be attacked for my opinions or thoughts. I know it shouldn’t matter to me, but seeing people angry at me for having an opinion honestly upsets me.

Recently I had a debate with several females on another blog about a post saying I wasn’t a feminist but that I stand for equality. They attacked me for not wanting to be under their banner, for not supporting new age feminism, and for thinking that men should be fought for as well. 

I hate that people can not have reasonable discussions about things without it getting heated, but I guess that’s how things go.

My depression has made me question my life and my happiness more times then I can count but I am still trying to stay strong and keep being happy even though unhappy thoughts lurk in my mind.

I will be writing more here about my thoughts and hoping to get a lot of things off my chest.