Happy Depression?

Yes the words are real but can they really be together? It is all a matter of opinion or who you are. For me happiness can be abundant but with depression even the smallest thing can make you unhappy.

I am very happy with how my life is going, like everyone there are things I need to work on and things I would like to change but only I as a person can change them. When it comes to things I can not change like people who no longer want me in their life or who have turned away from me, it takes me from my happy place to a place I do not want to be.

It is a struggle to stay happy, to keep optimism as your ally and to always look at the bigger picture instead of the right now. Maybe these people were not meant to be in my life? Maybe they will come back into my life if I give them time and space? But the worse of these questions that haunts me is: what if I did something wrong? Am I a horrible friend? What if I never get the same friendship like I had with them back.?

Crying for me is usually sad, sometimes sappy stories make me cry but mostly it is because of something sad happening. I cry mostly at night when I find it so hard to sleep and all of my thoughts about past mistakes old friends and new, come out in little saltwater drops around my eyes. You can be happy but when you are alone and no thought is a good thought no matter what you have or how blessed you are, these feelings seem to haunt you.

It sounds like I am rambling I know but this is my blog so if I decide to ramble I will. The point is that I have to learn to forgive myself, to forgive others, and to honestly fill my head with happy thoughts. Which can be difficult, especially when I am alone, which is often.

I feel like everything is so dark sometimes like there is no light, I feel trapped in a poem by Poe, but I have to break free of it. Anyone who is suffering this way, I may not be the best help but I will try to help the best I can.

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