This is a topic I was dreading to talk about mostly because my relationships, whether it be romantic or just as friends, have always been chaotic. I am no easy person to get along with, nor am I the hardest. Somewhere in between is where I have been placed. The few people that have stayed in my life still can be surprised by me and even get angry at things I do that I have done for years.
In friendships I always feel like I am the one putting forth most of the effort. Which is fine for me most of the time, but one thing in these kind of friendships is my “big sister” complex as I call it. I am always the first to defend you and the last to forget a bad situation. I will step up and be by your side or even in front of you when people call you out, make fun, or hurt you in any way. I am also the kind of person who if you tell me that a person has hurt you I won’t forget it, you may move on but I will always be wary of you and them because they were a person who hurt someone I care about.
Now where the problems come is when I have put myself out there for people defending them or being there for them and they will not do the same for me. I usually don’t say anything because I feel like if I do then it makes me a horrible friend for assuming they are the same as me in this aspect, but it creates a space between me and who ever the friend is. I put myself out there to defend you to someone, the worst things you could do in my mind is either get mad at me for defending you or not stick up for me in the same situation.
Also, when I have friends who I am close to and they start not wanting to hang out with me because I don’t party the way they do, that really tears me up. I end up just telling myself they are better off without me if I have tried to hang out with them and they never seem to “have time” for me, but obviously have time to party or get wasted. People who I was closed to I rarely talk to as much anymore because we grew up and I chose simple pleasures, as for them they chose another relationship, or a substance.
I have been told many times how weird I am, the things that I talk about and when I talk about them are not planned I seemed to blurt things out even if they have nothing to do with the topic we are discussing. I am an odd ball, my sense of humor most people do not get or don’t like since sarcasm is my first language. My mom always told me I was like my dad in that respect. I am hyper most of the time, always looking for something to do, lazy days are never lazy. I’m either cleaning, dancing, reading, or doing so many things because I enjoy filling my time with anything and everything. I feel like I bore most people I know because my idea of a fun day is a walk in the park or getting a giant bouncy ball from walmart and playing volleyball in a parking lot with it. So I try to keep to myself as much as possible and in the day and age where our phone are never more than a few feet from us at most people don’t have time to enjoy these things anymore. I won’t lie I do look at my phone often and it does bother me.
In romantic relationships I knew that I had no problem. Some people say don’t set the bar too high, well let me just tell you I do. I have been through so many short relationships that had no meaning, they weren’t going anywhere, the people I chose were not a good fit and I simply just wanted to be like everyone else, “oh look I’ve got a boyfriend, yeah were so happy” then a few weeks later we would be over. I had to change the way I looked at romantic relationships. So I started telling myself: I want someone who doesn’t do drugs, who isn’t an alcoholic, who is a Christian, who I can be myself around, who I trust, who is doing something with his life, and who I have feelings for. It seems like a lot but I met a few good guys, none of them fit and I would always hate breaking up, guys always broke up with me because I would expect nothing but honesty and even that was too hard for the best of them to do. I’ve had long distance relationships, clingy relationships, “normal” relationships, cute relationships, but as always in the back of my mind I was never happy or I could never trust them.
I was hurt a lot, so that made my depression even worse. The reason I love Lana Del Rey is because her music is a mixture of the sadness she felt during times of love lost, and her finding happiness again. Most of my relationships fail because I need constant reassuring that I am the only one, that they feel the way they say, and that I’m not as ugly as I feel sometimes. After a while any one would get tired of saying how much they care about someone. Then I would think they didn’t care then it would cause fights and I would be left.
I am happy now, and I feel as though for the moment I have friends and a boyfriend who understand me and I am content with my life, the past is always there and sometimes it is haunting, but it can be blocked out by happiness and that is what I try to do everyday.