Sleepless nights

For those who don’t know, I don’t sleep well. I toss and turn, I have gotten used to it over the years. So many things go through my head and at night I can’t seem to quiet them. So I end up writing, some things are dark, and some aren’t.

Tossing and turning,
My mind on high.
Life has troubles,
That weigh on my mind.
I close my eyes and demons attack,
Their claws latch to my skin.
Pulling and yanking,
Tearing the pieces of my very soul.
I wake up with a face,
Embedded in my mind.
His eyes of red,
Skin like leather,
Claws sharp like lions teeth.
He mocks me and tells me I am alone.
My mind believes him,
My mind, my own.

It is dark,
I am alone.
A hand outreaches for me.
It is soft and warm.
I am led away from the darkness to the light.
Where I come face to face with my hero.
His eyes of brown comfort my heart,
With a kiss he tells me all is well.
Feeding my soul with his stories,
Healing my wounds with his words.
I was afraid but not anymore.

Everyone fights to be seen,
Not caring what they lose.
Themselves.
The urge to be known,
Pulls at your clothes,
Yanks your hair,
Scars your face,
Changes your body.
You are no longer yourself.

What really matters

This is my last post about topics for a while, the rest of my blog post will be more about my everyday life and goings on, but I will still have topics that come up.

In this life you will have people who have less or more maturity then you. Some may lack in certain areas others lack in general. Maturity to me is when you can see past the right now, or the little things and look at a bigger picture.

In my opinion (for those who won’t realize these are my thoughts not yours they can be different), when I see people all riled up about homosexuality, sex before marriage, or creating race issues I can only think about them being very immature.

We have soldiers, marines, airmen, and seamen overseas fighting and dying everyday protecting other countries as well as our own, but you decide that whether or not someone approves of you or your friends lifestyle is more important than that.

We have a group called the government that controls out very lives and how we live it and right now we have people in this group who aren’t looking for our best interest but their own, and your worried about the girl who had sex before marriage with her boyfriend.

We have people who die everyday from not getting enough food to eat, or for not having the money to pay for medical bills, but you think that because someone said something that offended you it’s a bigger issue.

I see people who post all day everyday about these social issues and personal issues over the issues that effect us all. Yes these are important some what, but when you put them against the grand scheme of things not so much.

For all of those who will say that “well I post to enlighten people about what’s going on”, no you don’t you post for the same reason as anyone else, you want people to see things from your point of view on a certain subject, you want people who agree with you, and you wait patiently for the person who DARES post anything you don’t like about your information.

Posting about helping the homeless doesn’t help the homeless. No one wants to be “dragged” down by sad thoughts while casually scrolling through their newsfeed. We glance over those articles and the people who post them feel like they have accomplished something and that it is all they have to do.

If we can spend money on “things” for our own enjoyment why can’t we spare money or time for those in need? Don’t be a hypocrite, I can honestly say I don’t help as much as I should I wait to be approached, I wait for the problem to come face to face with me before I do anything, but we can’t be a nation or people who does this anymore.

On other issues it may feel like you can’t do anything at all, but you can by supporting those who are trying and might make progress. By voting, supporting our troops even if you don’t support the cause. There is always something to do instead of increasing the negativity towards something you honestly know nothing about except what news articles and websites want you to know. If your naive enough to think that your website would never lie to you, your newspaper, or your online source think again. Next time you condemn someone make sure you know what your talking about, were you there when this man got shot? Yeah there is some evidence that has been released but is it all the evidence? Is there something missing? Do you know without a doubt that this person is in the wrong? No you don’t. So if you want to post an opinion do so when you can without a doubt have full proof evidence to back you up, and short of being there you won’t have it so keep yourself out of it.

Hate to rant but it has all been on my mind. Think before you post, think before you speak, just think.

Relationships

This is a topic I was dreading to talk about mostly because my relationships, whether it be romantic or just as friends, have always been chaotic. I am no easy person to get along with, nor am I the hardest. Somewhere in between is where I have been placed. The few people that have stayed in my life still can be surprised by me and even get angry at things I do that I have done for years.

In friendships I always feel like I am the one putting forth most of the effort. Which is fine for me most of the time, but one thing in these kind of friendships is my “big sister” complex as I call it. I am always the first to defend you and the last to forget a bad situation. I will step up and be by your side or even in front of you when people call you out, make fun, or hurt you in any way. I am also the kind of person who if you tell me that a person has hurt you I won’t forget it, you may move on but I will always be wary of you and them because they were a person who hurt someone I care about.

Now where the problems come is when I have put myself out there for people defending them or being there for them and they will not do the same for me. I usually don’t say anything because I feel like if I do then it makes me a horrible friend for assuming they are the same as me in this aspect, but it creates a space between me and who ever the friend is. I put myself out there to defend you to someone, the worst things you could do in my mind is either get mad at me for defending you or not stick up for me in the same situation.

Also, when I have friends who I am close to and they start not wanting to hang out with me because I don’t party the way they do, that really tears me up. I end up just telling myself they are better off without me if I have tried to hang out with them and they never seem to “have time” for me, but obviously have time to party or get wasted. People who I was closed to I rarely talk to as much anymore because we grew up and I chose simple pleasures, as for them they chose another relationship, or a substance.

I have been told many times how weird I am, the things that I talk about and when I talk about them are not planned I seemed to blurt things out even if they have nothing to do with the topic we are discussing. I am an odd ball, my sense of humor most people do not get or don’t like since sarcasm is my first language. My mom always told me I was like my dad in that respect. I am hyper most of the time, always looking for something to do, lazy days are never lazy. I’m either cleaning, dancing, reading, or doing so many things because I enjoy filling my time with anything and everything. I feel like I bore most people I know because my idea of a fun day is a walk in the park or getting a giant bouncy ball from walmart and playing volleyball in a parking lot with it. So I try to keep to myself as much as possible and in the day and age where our phone are never more than a few feet from us at most people don’t have time to enjoy these things anymore. I won’t lie I do look at my phone often and it does bother me.

In romantic relationships I knew that I had no problem. Some people say don’t set the bar too high, well let me just tell you I do. I have been through so many short relationships that had no meaning, they weren’t going anywhere, the people I chose were not a good fit and I simply just wanted to be like everyone else, “oh look I’ve got a boyfriend, yeah were so happy” then a few weeks later we would be over. I had to change the way I looked at romantic relationships. So I started telling myself: I want someone who doesn’t do drugs, who isn’t an alcoholic, who is a Christian, who I can be myself around, who I trust, who is doing something with his life, and who I have feelings for. It seems like a lot but I met a few good guys, none of them fit and I would always hate breaking up, guys always broke up with me because I would expect nothing but honesty and even that was too hard for the best of them to do. I’ve had long distance relationships, clingy relationships, “normal” relationships, cute relationships, but as always in the back of my mind I was never happy or I could never trust them.

I was hurt a lot, so that made my depression even worse. The reason I love Lana Del Rey is because her music is a mixture of the sadness she felt during times of love lost, and her finding happiness again. Most of my relationships fail because I need constant reassuring that I am the only one, that they feel the way they say, and that I’m not as ugly as I feel sometimes. After a while any one would get tired of saying how much they care about someone. Then I would think they didn’t care then it would cause fights and I would be left.

I am happy now, and I feel as though for the moment I have friends and a boyfriend who understand me and I am content with my life, the past is always there and sometimes it is haunting, but it can be blocked out by happiness and that is what I try to do everyday.

The real 15 things to know about college

Everyone has seen those posts about “24 things you need to know about college, things you don’t wanna miss out on in college, things I learned in college, etc.” this is going to be similar but not nearly as “heart warming” as some of those buzz feed post created to sometimes help but a lot of time confuse.

I thought about starting to write this from a perspective of someone who has not only stayed the same through college, but tried to encourage others on their way during what I consider to be a very difficult time for people at the college age. It may not be a post about depression but this is my blog after all and my thoughts so here we go.

1. Don’t worry about the parties: what is going to help you have a better future? A couple of drunken nights you won’t remember or extra study time for a test worth 25% of your grade?(yes they do exists especially for online courses). Partying can be a lot of fun, dancing like an idiot around hundreds or even a handful of people you may or may not know. For me it was a time to show off to people who had no idea the “skills” I had on the dance floor, although most clubs are just girls grinding on guys and guys just kinda looking around.

2. You can still be social: just because you don’t get schwasted every weekend like your friends doesn’t mean they aren’t your friends. Make time for them during the week, also try to make friends in your classes because two studying(or more) is better than one as long as you aren’t goofing off.

3. YOU WILL LOSE FRIENDS: whether it be because of partying conflict, moving away from them, change in personality or even sadly a loss of interest it will happen. The people who you are meant to stay friends with will always be there, even if you don’t see them enough. Plus college is a great place to meet new people who have similar interest like you.

4. Teacher talk: Meet and socialize on some level with your teacher. Ask them about extra credit, ask them how they are, introduce yourself. It can never hurt to see the point of view of a teacher. Plus showing respect gets you far with many teachers. They give you grades and you in turn study for their test showing that you care enough to go the extra mile to meet with them or get advice is a great way to start any class.

5. Set a schedule for your school work: no matter what this time is for school, I don’t care if you have done every last bit of homework you go over the chapter and take notes. Done that too? Look over your next section, contact people in your class who might can answer any questions. Never use school time for anything but school.

6.DO WORK BEFORE IT IS DUE: for me as a college student there is no better feeling other than getting things done in a timely and complete manner, saving me time for other subjects or even a test or quiz. You have that extra time you give yourself to make sure you get everything done. Don’t waste it.

7. Internet is fun: yes, we all know it is. Movies are enjoyable. Games are addicting. Put down the electronics, and once again set times to look at your computer or to play a game. Looking at your phone all day should be illegal because there is so much other stuff to do. I try to check Facebook once a day along with any other media, if I check more than that I just see things I’ve see a million times before. Playing a game, thirty minutes to an hour max is what I give myself…even if it’s Call of Duty(sigh).

8. Give yourself those study breaks: especially when studying or doing hard homework problems giving your self a break to eat or relax is often good. I think for every 45 min study time you should get 15 min relax time. That of course is just a rough estimate only you can know what’s fully best for you. *Never do more fun time then study time*

9. Keep yourself organized: making sure binders, folders or notebooks are color coordinated for classes may seem like an odd thing to do but it will help you in the long run keeping things together. Being prepared by having enough pencils and pens( because believe me someone will need one at some point during your time in college), paper in case of surprise quizzes, or even a calendar to keep up with due dates. Don’t be the person who always shows up late and unprepared. Be early, be prepared, be ready to learn.

10. Take notes: I don’t care if the teacher is just babbling on about his life, you write down important facts about his time in another state. Keeping your hands moving taking notes is a good way to keep yourself awake and alert. I always take notes because I want to be able to go back and make sure what we learned and what was important to the teacher or what stood out to me, plus what else is there to do. Side note: try to get actual notebooks, you don’t learn the same way typing on a keyboard and 90% of the time you end up on social media sites believe me the people around you and the teacher aren’t as dumb as you think.

11. Music while doing homework: for me listening to classical piano music helps me when I am on a roll and really trying to do my best but needing to get homework done. If I listen to music with lyrics I just find myself singing or dancing instead of paying attention to what I supposed to be doing.

12. Take. A. Nap: naps are a great way to get re-energized, I always have trouble staying awake especially if I had a early class that day. A nap should be either 20 min or an hour and a half. In between is when you get those spells of “oh my gosh I am way more exhausted then I was when I first laid down”. A sleep cycle is an hour and a half, so sleeping 20min is a rest for your mind without getting too deep into a sleep cycle and not wanting to wake up, I always try for an hour and a half. Make time to do whatever kind of nap fits you best.

13. Eat healthy: I know it seems like fast food places or junk food now that your out of the house seems like a greeaaatt idea but when you notice a lack in energy, a never ending hunger, and a lack of funds you will thank me.
I usually try to get those frozen meals with Alfredo and broccoli, hot pockets with spinach, artichokes, cheese, and chicken, get vegetables, get eggs, get milk, cereal(not too much sugar), water bottles, soups. There is so much at the grocery store to get even if you don’t like to cook. These may not be the “healthiest” of foods but it’s better than beer, chips, soda, gushers, and fruity pebbles as your main foods for consumption.

14. Keep in touch: people who you knew from high school, old jobs, or family they miss you and if you have moved away try to contact them at least once a week (maybe more for family) ask them about their life. Make sure that they know you are still there to listen to them no matter how busy you get.

15. Keep your head high: although your grades may not be what you want there are ways to get them better and back on track. Don’t give up on yourself or your goals. Keep trying and when school is about to end for the semester you will start wanting to slack off, but you can’t. Especially if you didn’t make the best grades earlier in the year.

These are my thoughts on college, and a saying my dad gave me when I left for my first day at my college “No matter what people say,college is about your future. It’s important. It isn’t about how many friends you have, it isn’t about how many parties you go to, it’s about determination and not wasting my money.” Funny but still true. People say that college is for trying new things, no it’s about your future and helping yourself along, and college isn’t cheap it shouldn’t be wasted. You find yourself in this process and learn how to “live on your own” in a sense. This is not the time to say “hey I’ve never done this before but now that I don’t have parents around wooohoo time to go crazy”. No, now is not the time to experiment it’s the end of the finish line for school, and after you cross this line it’s time for your future. Your future is how you shape it. Make sure it’s not in the shape of wasted nights you wish you would have studied or girls/guys you wish you never would have kept in your life. Have fun, but don’t go crazy, college can be fun but it should be serious to you not a game. My final thoughts were more serious then intended but still need to be heeded. I hope this helps anyone reading it!

Happiness in hard times

Whether you are struggling with a form of depression or you are just having a bad week,day, etc. There are things you can do to make it better, in my last post I talked about how being sad after something troubling has happened is normal, but continuing on the cycle, staying sad or upset is not a good thing. These are things that I do that might help you through tough times.

Music, it is number one on my anti-depression list. I listen to the music that makes me want to dance. I always felt I was born to be a dancer, not having any lessons I choreograph my own routines. Some people say I’m good but I always strive to be better. Getting my creative juices flowing with music that I love helps take my mind off of things that might cause my mind to sit idly by and have depressive thoughts. Whether it’s oldies, new music or music from when I was a child it always helps me. This is the one thing I always try to tell people, when your sad do what makes you happy or opens up your creative side. Some people paint, write music, play an instrument, anything will do. If it is a passion of yours go do it.

Another thing that always makes me feel better whether I’m furious or down in the dumps is to think about all the people out there that have less than me. For instance: I am getting an education, I have no criminal record, I have food to eat, I have a family that is most of the time happy, friends who i can talk to or see on a regular basis. There is so much to be thankful for, but some times when we think this way it’s all fine and good but doing something to help those who don’t have it better than you should go hand in hand with these thoughts. So many times you hear about people who will cause a scene over poor living conditions but won’t do anything to help those people but liking a status, joining a page, or sharing the article. Small things help, a person who has no food instead of buying that ten dollar meal at your favorite restaurant, you can buy a cheap meal for you and someone else. Acts of kindness for those whose story you may not know, or may not ever see again could impact a life. Most of us go through this world not realizing that people we meet impact us negatively or positively and I don’t know about you but when I have helped someone it positively impacts two lives at once and there is no better feeling.

The last thing that brings me peace in my troubles is nature. No matter what your beliefs going out side, when everything seems quiet and looking into the sky, seeing colors that even your imagination couldn’t even describe. Looking out over a high point and viewing the beauty that this world gives us. We take for granted how the things we call “simple” are really intricate designs. They still astound me to this day, if you ever see me in the forest or on a mountain there will always be a smile on my face. I am exploring, by just being out in these places I am learning about the wildlife there and beings that call this there home.

No one know what will make you happy for sure, each person is different with different needs and desires, but in general you know what makes you happy. So any time you feel like there is something hanging onto you or pulling you down to that unhappy place then think about these things, do them. Drugs and other substances dull the pain for a short time until you do them again, but pure happiness comes when you know yourself and you know what makes you happy even in the simplest ways.