Triggers

As some people don’t know what this word means I would like to say it as simply as possible: some thing that sets you off, whether it be depression, anger, or any other mix of emotions.

One trigger for me is hearing a song that reminds me of a certain time in my past. Music can take you anywhere, it’s just like opening a book. The chords and lyrics can fit your mood or create on for you. Sad songs normally will trigger an emotional response of sadness, but the way I over come them is so easy we all should do it. Changing the song. I don’t care if I have loved this song since I was 12 years old, if it triggers me into that state of sadness I am trying to not be in then it’s getting turned off.

Now for someone who has simple heartache they can often replay songs or thoughts in their heads to make themselves cry after events that have happened very recently. To this I say if the heartache is new let your self hear those songs, in order to heal you must grieve. In my experience though most people carry on this mourning period longer then they need to for appearances. We cling to an idea that if you try to move on too fast you are doing some sort of injustice to what you are mourning. Whether it be a person, place, or relationship. In all three areas just because you are done grieving in a short time it doesn’t mean you didn’t love the person/place/thing, it just means you have dealt with it. Don’t carry on hurting yourself for a show. Example: a relationship, if it was serious, can end, and if it does you not crying every night doesn’t show that it meant nothing to you, it means you’ve accepted it and have moved on.

Sidetrack I know, but there is a difference in wanting to be sad on purpose and not being able to help it. Now when I listen to the song, as an example, Hurt the cover by Johnny Cash, I can’t help but get emotional. It takes me back to a time when a knife was the only way I felt to stop the pain. I hurt people around me who didn’t know what to think or how to help me. People got scared for me, and I was doing this to myself because I couldn’t find any other way to help get past certain things in my life.

On the topic of triggers I will talk about one most people can relate to and one that really sticks with me. Words. Whether they be good or bad, a word can hurt or help you. I have people in my life who say things that hurt me, I won’t ever tell them, because for some reason( I do it too) people think that when you tell someone,who didn’t know what they were saying would hurt you, that you are hurt they may get upset or poke fun. In reality in their heads they weren’t expecting that response, they didn’t know. Now I usually try to say what bothers me in any relationships when I first become close to them.

For example, I have a fear of not being good enough. So many people do, this fear kills me. In school I have a procrastination way of learning, but a mind who knows I should do this now. I struggle and over think every possible way to study then I put it off because I can “always do it tomorrow”, I have medicine I take to help me with my school so it is getting better. I always strive to be told that I am doing good, I want people around me who will celebrate when I have made progress and will tell me I can do better when I fail. I had to talk to certain people in my life about their criticism of my education because I tried hard and when I did it showed, but the responses I got from people close to me weren’t adequate for me to think they really were proud of me. Another example: if I do well on a test, these people would always say “well you better do well on the next one” or “I hope your grades are as good as you say”. Those words kind of hurt if I had worked so hard and been showing great effort and grades. I am the kind of person(sadly) who needs someone to see how proud I am of myself and realize that I HAVE come a long way. As of now those people around me have come to realize how I am and try to give me both good and helpful feedback but at the right times. Good feedback should be given after a good grade, helpful feedback a should be given when you know the person hasn’t taken the test or hasn’t done the thing that they are getting ready for. Always reassure people that you know they can do it, no matter what the task is reassurance is always helpful.

My last trigger is places. When you lived somewhere your whole life you begin to miss it when you leave, no matter how far it is to you. Many times I go home and the one place I have to visit is behind my old job, every day on my break I would go back to a place where they had previously been doing construction on and park my car, it was actually quite beautiful, it overlooked the freeway and it was quiet, there was a rhythm to it. Other places like home, where all of my animals and family are, work where all of those familiar faces would greet me, or even places I only went once but with people that were special in my life. Thinking about these places gives me a longing like no other but they also bring me happiness knowing that these places are still there (for now) for me whenever I go back.

These triggers may not be even considered triggers for most people, or they may. I am merely writing from my point of view, how I have dealt with these things and categorized them. I finally have a place to write them down, and I have found happiness in doing so.

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Where to Begin

Starting out at the beginning? I had a happy childhood, though most people say that I honestly mean it. Kids now have grown up surrounded by technology, we had a computer, it was large and slow. I would much rather be outside, hopping fences into pastures we didn’t own, exploring the woods past the fields, in the dirt, getting messy, scraping knees. Having older parents then most kids my age instead of CD’s I listened to records, new TV shows were old re-runs of fifties classics, Movies were black and white, which in my mind made them better. Three older sisters, I always said I had four mothers. Three people to look after me and help me when I needed them. I owe them as much as I do my wonderful parents.

Depression, the word scares most people, they think of a person who is only going to off themselves over any little thing. Some cases are that serious, but then there are people who are merely plagued with living with the unhappy thoughts. They could be of past, present, or even the unknown of the future hurt. We can be happy, it takes a lot to maintain a person who suffers this way. We over think things, which in turn ruins good relationships but also gets rid of bad ones.

A teacher once talked about cutting in class, saying that people who cut vertical mean to end their lives, but people who cut horizontally do it for attention. This statement bothered me, let me explain. I used to cut, it is an addiction. I used to cut horizontally, when everything felt like it was closing in and I felt alone, to get your mind off the pain you cut. You focus on the pain in your arm(or wherever), and not the pain in your head or heart.

For some time I have been dealing with the pain well, I am happy, but the demon is always lurking testing me with challenges, but keeping people around me who are supportive and understand helps, my family though they don’t know it help me, and having a strong faith keep me going. I started this blog to only open up about my life, I am a normal college student who is just working through her issues.